DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
