tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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