Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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