i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
