I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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