so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
