I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Randomize
