Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize