I can text with my tongue
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
