i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
