Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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