wanna go halves on a baby?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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