after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
