How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
