I have demons in me.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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