Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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