she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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