you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
