The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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