We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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