dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
