her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize