he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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