I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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