so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
