we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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