hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
