You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
