I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
