yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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