i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
