Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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