I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
