I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i came on her dog
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
