i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
