can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
