my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
