is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
