You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
