I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
