Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
