the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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