I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
