My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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