We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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