just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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