You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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