I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize