she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
