Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
