just survived the first fart of the relationship.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
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