just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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