Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
