Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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