Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
