i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
