my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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