You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
