GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
