I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
