i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize