god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
