it's great music for shaving your balls
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
