Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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