She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
