she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
