if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize