I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
