She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I think I won the penis lottery.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
