he told me I talked like a deaf person
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
