awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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