Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
